Saturday, April 30, 2005

Toolshed argument

"You called me a spade"
"Well, you called me a hoe!"

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Going back

The gate hangs open.
I walk the mossy path
To the door- its paint is blistered,
Blotchy with mould.
The windows are cracked,
the chimneys nested.

No fire warms the hearth.
The guardians have departed;
they left the gate
hanging open.

An application of the precautionary principle

They say that hard work
Never killed anybody-
I'll take no chances.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Gender difference

Fathers love all of their children,
even the ugly ones.

For mothers, the question doesn't arise,
since all their children are beautiful.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

At home with the Muses

The nine daughters of Mnemosyne (Goddess of memory) : Calliope (the fair voiced, Muse of epic poetry), Clio (the proclaimer, Muse of history), Erato (the lovely, Muse of love poetry), Euterpe (the giver of pleasure, Muse of music), Melpomene (the songstress, Muse of tragedy), Polyhymnia (she of many hymns, Muse of sacred poetry), Terpsichore (the whirler, Muse of dancing), Thalia (the flourishing, Muse of comedy) and Urania (the heavenly, Muse of astronomy).

Clio has got Time
On her hands, now they say that
History is dead.

Rather quiet these days-she's
Very seldom called

Melpomene's such
A drama queen, dressed in black
Veiled, gloved and stockinged

Terpsichore's out
'Til dawn, at a rave or in
Some cellar night-club

Thalia laughs but
Needs no joke-it's just as well
The last has been told

Euterpe plays
With drum'n'bass and scratches
Her harp is rusted

Urania's head
Is in the clouds that obscure
Her quarry, the stars

Erato’s busy
Wrtng txt mssges of
Electronic love

Calliope sleeps:
Now that movies are epics
She is not disturbed

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Haiku: Youth

Springtime lambs jump for joy
Heedless that their destiny
Is to become sheep

This poem won 1st prize in the NMGW/NLW E-steddfod 2005

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Dilemma in Creative Writing 101

"Write of what you know"
is all very well, but what
if you know nothing?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Election address

Please, please, please, give me your X,
And your wife's and your parents' too,
So when I get elected
I can turn and say "XXXX you!"

A singular occurrence

I swear I saw it happen
It did, I'm telling you:
The government said "Sorry"
The opposition said "Us too".

A bisexual woman explains

Sometimes, you know, I
Just feel like a lesbian-
And so I have one.


Eyeline flashes, fingertips
Reaching out to touch your lips.

Mental hygiene

Every day, you should
Brush up your ideas and
Floss between your thoughts.

Zen in a traffic jam

The cars do not move
The vans do not move
The trucks do not move
What moves? The mind moves


An ice-cream girl from Llanilar
Had a face like a mountain gorilla
Said her mother, in pain,
'Don't say she's plain
If you must, please call her vanilla'

Attempted limerick

There was a young man from Loughborough
Who had a most terrible cough
It woke him at four
After an hour
He started to feel better though

Pre-nuptial agreement

"If you should ever find yourself
Drawn to classical music or to jazz
You will have to accept this as
Grounds for divorce"

"If you should sprout extra hairs
Or become definitely fat
I'm afraid you'll find that that
Is grounds for divorce"

"If you become a Buddhist
Or start to discover God
These, I think, are hardly odd
Grounds for divorce"

"If rugby ever starts to appeal
And you sulk unless you hear the score
These, and similar, traits are more
Grounds for divorce"

"If you abandon argument
And sulk and whine like a spoiled child
Then this, too, will be filed
As grounds for divorce"

"If you stay forever as you are
Loving me as I love you
Then there will be few
Grounds for divorce"


In the beginning was the Word;
Then came the Critic
And Lo!
It was made Text.

The geography of loss

This is the chair
Where you would have sat
And eaten and talked and laughed

This is the room
Where you would have lain
And read and slept and woken

This is the view
You would have seen
As days and seasons passed

This is the life
We would have shared

Quincain: Aurora

The horizon
Glows pale; the silhouettes
Of hills loom out of the blankness.
Dawn breaks.

For the source of this verse-form, see A few words.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Haiku: Simile

Writing a poem's
As easy as it is to
Fall off a planet